Well I seem to have tried everything I can find - not that much - but cannot fathom why I cannot get a remote connection to my database.
Here's what I have:
#postgresql.conf
listen_addresses = '12.34.56.78,localhost' # included my local ip
port = 5432 # the port I'm trying to connect with
tcpip_socket = true
#pg_hba.conf
host all mydbuser 12.34.56.78/32 md5
I receive: connection to database 'name' failed, could not connect to server: Connection refused.
Is the server running on host "domain.com" and accepting
TCP/IP connections on port 5432?
netstat -ant | grep 5432 #returns nothing
netstat -nltp | grep 5432: returns nothing
Solution
Really I think what was holding me back from grasping an understanding of this was a poorly written blog post on the subject. On the other hand an awesome tutorial at slice host cleared things up for me and if anyone ever comes here having the same problems I suggest they read through it. Slicehost really have to be commended on the quality and maintenance of their tutorials, though I guess it is good business to help people use their service.
Thank you to everyone who answered.