I'll propose an alternative solution rather than telling you how to put a band-aid on a broken arm.
It sounds like you have RDP open directly to the public internet. That's not good. To make this much more secure, you should:
Install a VPN Server on your box. RRAS, Direct Access, or even something like OpenVPN will do.
Once you can VPN onto a private subnet advertised by your server, turn RDP access off to the public internet by using the built in Windows Firewall.
After you've done this, only people that are logged into your VPN can access sensitive services like RDP. You can secure the VPN connection in a number of ways including username/password, smart card or other token, or certificate-based authentication.
You also say:
Let me clarify to you elitist administrators out there...
I am not behind a firewall nor can I afford one. I'm happy that you can but I cannot. This is 1 server. That's what I have. If you don't like the setup, then please move along.
It really isn't a matter of money. You can do everything that I just mentioned for free. You should take the time to learn how these services work and implement proper hardening for your server rather than flooding your phone with hundreds of email alerts throughout the day.
I'm just looking for a way to catch this so it doesn't bog down my server again.
It shouldn't bog anything down. 1000 failed logon attempts over the course of a minute is only ~17 requests a second. Those logon attempts have very little traffic associated with them. If these are, indeed, causing performance issues - then you have a different problem.