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There used to be these sysctls in older versions of FreeBSD, viz:
net.inet.ip.fw.dyn_ack_lifetime=3600
net.inet.ip.fw.dyn_udp_lifetime=15
now on FreeBSD 12 sysctl reports that these don't exist.
How can I tune the lifetime for TCP/UDP for in kernel NAT?
I found the answer. Basically I was looking at the wrong documentation :-)
I'm actually using pf, and equivalent tunables are documented in the pf.conf man pages, under the section for the set command, specifically set timeout in this case.
ipfw_load="YES"